When we talk about “knowing ourselves,” it often sounds like there’s a single, stable version of self just waiting to be discovered — as if we could peel back the layers and finally find the real “me” underneath it all. But the truth is, identity and self-image are far more complex — and constantly in motion.
Self-image is how we see ourselves — our internal sense of worth, capability, attractiveness, and belonging. Identity, on the other hand, is broader. It includes the cultural, relational, and social frameworks that shape who we are: our race, gender, values, roles, and lived experiences. Self-image is the mirror; identity is the material it reflects. One is shaped from the inside out, and the other from the outside in — but both are deeply interconnected. And this is where things get complicated.
How we see ourselves isn’t formed in isolation. It’s shaped through relationships, cultural norms, family expectations, and social feedback. That’s why self-image can feel conflicted or fragile — especially when the identity we hold inside doesn’t match how the world reflects us back.
You Are Not Just One Thing — And That’s Not a Problem
When we talk about “knowing ourselves,” it often sounds like there’s a single, stable version of self just waiting to be discovered — as if we could peel back the layers and finally find the real “me” underneath it all. But the truth is, identity and self-image are far more complex — and constantly in motion.
Self-image is how we see ourselves — our internal sense of worth, capability, attractiveness, and belonging. Identity, on the other hand, is broader. It includes the cultural, relational, and social frameworks that shape who we are: our race, gender, values, roles, and lived experiences. Self-image is the mirror; identity is the material it reflects. One is shaped from the inside out, and the other from the outside in — but both are deeply interconnected. And this is where things get complicated.
How we see ourselves isn’t formed in isolation. It’s shaped through relationships, cultural norms, family expectations, and social feedback. That’s why self-image can feel conflicted or fragile — especially when the identity we hold inside doesn’t match how the world reflects us back.
Culture Is a Mirror — But It Doesn’t Always Reflect You Accurately
A major part of how we develop self-image comes from cultural context. From a young age, we absorb messages — explicit and subtle — about what makes someone worthy, lovable, successful, or “good.” These messages come from media, school, family, religion, and community — and often, they’re rooted in systems of power and exclusion.
You may have learned to silence parts of yourself to fit in. To code-switch. To “behave.” To achieve. You may have received the message that parts of your cultural identity — your language, your skin, your body, your accent, your beliefs — were “less than.” And slowly, without even realizing it, those messages can distort how you see yourself.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re too much of one thing, not enough of another, or like you don’t quite belong anywhere — that confusion doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you’re navigating a world that often asks people to shrink to fit. And that tension sits right at the heart of self-image.
We See Ourselves Through Others’ Eyes — Whether We Mean To or Not
Even if we try to define ourselves from within, we’re still shaped by how others see us. Think about how your self-image shifts depending on who you’re with. Maybe you feel confident in some spaces and uncertain in others. Maybe you downplay parts of your identity to feel safe, or question your worth in environments that don’t reflect you accurately.
That doesn’t mean you’re inauthentic. It means you’re adapting. And those adaptations — while often necessary — can blur your sense of self over time.
Self-image becomes especially complex when you carry multiple cultural identities, have experienced marginalization, or have been taught that certain aspects of who you are should be hidden or “fixed.” Over time, this can lead to self-doubt, shame, perfectionism, or a quiet feeling of never quite being enough.
But just as these patterns are learned, they can also be unlearned.
Therapy as a Place to See Yourself More Clearly
Therapy creates space to look at your self-image and identity with curiosity and compassion. It allows you to ask: Where did these beliefs about myself come from? Who taught me this version of “worthy” or “acceptable”? Are those stories still serving me?
In therapy, we begin to untangle the internalized messages that shape how you see yourself — the ones passed down through family, culture, and experience. We also explore the many roles you’ve had to perform in different settings, and how those roles have impacted your sense of self.
Most importantly, therapy helps you reconnect with a fuller, more integrated self-image — one that’s rooted in your values, your truth, and your whole identity, not someone else’s script.
You’re Allowed to Be a Work in Progress
If your self-image feels inconsistent or confusing, that doesn’t mean you’re lost — it means you’re human. You are made up of many influences, many histories, many relationships — and that complexity isn’t something to resolve. It’s something to understand and hold with care.
“You don’t have to be one version of yourself to be whole. You just have to be honest about who you are — and who you’re becoming.”
You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to evolve. And you’re allowed to write a version of yourself that feels true — not just to who you’ve been, but to who you want to be.
Written by Alice Bertoldo and Fung Tsoi Lam Christel